As a coffee bitch I have a corporate membership to Sam’s Club in Bigtown, Virginia. It earns old Sam Walton an extra $65 a year and is supposed to give me many extra benefits. The only extra that I seem to get is that I am allowed in an hour before the general public. This is not such a bad deal as the hoi polloi of Bigtown really are an unwashed, unshaven bunch of scallywags (and that is just the women). However the downside of the deal is that when the great unwashed are allowed to slither in, Sammy brings out all the hot sample stuff that is denied to the people who paid extra to join the club. This free stuff is great, just like IHOP but without the cash register. I normally take several different tops, a couple of hats and a few shades and just go around in circles until I am satiated. Then I wobble off, full and flatulent for a spot of shopping. That is the normal plan but today things went horribly wrong and then got worse. Due to my oafish excesses last night we arrived at Sam’s just as Cletus and Darlene Scumbag were being let in but BEFORE the food was let out. What a nightmare. I hung around my favorite aisle (the one that normally has the French toast and sausage) and quietly whimpered as my stomach growled “Hey coffee bitch where’s breakfast?”. The boss clearly disgusted with my pathetic sobbing sent me off to the darkest corner of Sam’s to find the desiccated cat excrement or some other improbable ingredient. Of course this was the one aisle that was closed whilst a forklift restocked the shelves that no one can reach anyway. Spotting the cat crap I ducked under the no entry sign and just as I was about to grab the tin a voice said “Hey Dummy can’t you read?”. Looking up I spot an officious looking twit in a nice new blue vest. “Of course I can read” I reply “That is why I don’t have to stock shelves in Sam’s Club”
Coffee Bitch 1 Sam Walton 0
Sadly the story does not end there. We are at the check out and once again I am being taunted by one of the floozies in blue. I can tell she is up for it and showing way to much cleavage. I react in the normal manner and coolly slip into slither mode. Only later did we realize that this was just a part of Sam’s dastardly plan. While I was suitably distracted another shyster hit up the boss with promises of upgrading our business membership with all sorts of non applicable nonsense. When the boss asked how much she went off ostensibly to get more information. Of course she never returned and as the boss flicked through the receipt she spotted that the old snake oil saleswoman had used her wireless device to hit us up for $49.99. Well there are some things that you just don’t do to the boss and rip her off is one of them. I was sent off to load up the truck whilst she mounted her broomstick and went off to torture the manager. I really wanted to watch but I knew it would be a walkover. Sure enough within two minutes she was truckside with $50 in one hand and a full set of male genitalia in the other.
Boss 1 Sam Walton 0
By the way if you are upstairs reading this Sam I hope you are spinning in your quicklime. This is no way to treat customers you reprehensible old fraud.
Anyone know where Costco is?
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