Coffee and Nationality

I was going to append this to the story about how I caught bi-lingual but as the ideas span around my head it just got to that "too long for and appendix but not long enough for a blog" stage. Not for a moment would I compare myself to Stephen King but he too had the same issue. He would write a story that was too long to be short and too short to be a novel. He called these ones Novellas. With all deference to Mr King here is a blogella

Dear Genben,

Thank you so much for your note. Are you sure that the Royal Canadian Mounted Police are going to give me a bad time about this stalking stuff? If so I might have to stay south of the border, sorry I know how much you where looking forward to meeting me and I had just bought a new see through Speedo for the occasion. Unfortunately I am in enough trouble with the boys in blue (or red in your case) ever since those bastards at the Samaritans took out that restraining order. By the way Samaritans it is not clever to put me on hold and it certainly is not funny to use the theme tune from MASH as the hold music. Cut it out.

You ask if I had to look up the words to the Canadian national anthem. How naive of you. Even Canadians have to look that up. I have seen you people at the start of the ballet you call ice hockey.

Canada oh Canada
Hmmmm hmmm hmm hmmm
And repeat for 8 lines.

Anyway I think that it is largely academic as I have seen quite a few politicians stitching another star onto Ol' Glory and we both know what that means. Looking on the bright side at least you will be the largest state in the union and that will put those uppity Alaskans in their place. By the way do you people have any oil? The answer to this will dictate whether Uncle Sam comes across the border in an SUV or an APC. Whatever, you are going to need a new name and of course a new state anthem.

As far as name goes we already have a Mexico and a New Mexico so I thought perhaps you could be White Mexico on the basis that most of your countrymen are already hopping the border to steal our jobs and impregnate our women.
As far as your new anthem goes I looked to Virginia for inspiration (this I had to look up as no one knows what that is). To say that I was appalled is an understatement. Here are the first two verses.

Carry me back to old Virginny.
There's where the cotton and corn and taters grow.
There's where the birds warble sweet in the spring-time.
There's where this old darkey's heart am long'd to go.

There's where I labored so hard for old Massa,
Day after day in the field of yellow corn;
No place on earth do I love more sincerely
Than old Virginny, the state where I was born.

Old darkey? Old Massa? Even the Coffee Bitch is horrified to see this rascist diatribe. Black people now I understand why you hate us. Still I am sure that when you nice Canadians rewrite your state anthem it will be much less bigotted.

White Mexico, White Mexico
We love everyone and want you to love us
And so on

With all this racism in mind I thought for the sake of regularity I should just check out the British Anthem. You can imagine my horror when I discovered that the sixth verse drones on about crushing rebelious Scots. Oh dear God no wonder they hate the English, where is this going to end? Well I knew I could trust in the duplicity of the American people who have already restored my faith in human nature. You see the third verse of their anthem used to say "The English blood has washed away the foul stench of their foorsteps on our land". These days someone has censored it so it is much less offensive. God bless America.

Anyway back to this stalking business. To be honest I have no desire to be mounted by one of your policemen so I shall have to stick to cyber stalking. I will however continue to dip into your life via http://genben.blogspot.com. Keep blogging.


Love and Kisses
The Coffee Bitch