The Coffee Bitch rants

I used to drive a Chrysler 300M it was a cracking piece of kit and a joy to drive. I have always been completely anal about my cars so even when it was a few years old it looked new. Sadly Chrysler gave the 300 series a face-lift and so as a previous model it had to go. Life has a way of being cruel like that. Recently I saw a 2007 model in a parking lot and it really is a credit to Chrysler Daimler Benz or whoever makes this thing. Sadly I also saw something that really raised my hackles. The owner had taken two bumper stickers, cut them to size and stuck them to the side rear windows. Now this beautiful car says “Yeah it’s got a hemi”. Let us take a moment to examine this. Do you even know what a hemi is? Of course you don’t you moron. What you have just told the world is that you spent close to $40k on a car with an engine designed in 1948 and obsoleted in the 80’s. Whilst the rest of the world moved on with a penthead you have a hemispherical head and guess what? Your pride and joy will never ever have more than two valves per cylinder and thus it will never breathe properly. Not only did you buy the company’s rhetoric rather than the performance you proudly announce to the world that you got screwed. Way to go buddy. By the way, don’t believe me? Here is some shameless plagarism from http://auto.howstuffworks.com/hemi.htm.

If HEMI engines have all these advantages, why aren't all engines using hemispherical heads? It's because there are even better configurations available today.

One thing that a hemispherical head will never have is four valves per cylinder. The valve angles would be so crazy that the head would be nearly impossible to design. Having only two valves per cylinder is not an issue in drag racing or NASCAR because racing engines are limited to two valves per cylinder in these categories. But on the street, four slightly smaller valves let an engine breathe easier than two large valves. Modern engines use a pentroof design to accommodate four valves.

Another reason most high-performance engines no longer use a HEMI design is the desire to create a smaller combustion chamber. Small chambers further reduce the heat lost during combustion, and also shorten the distance the flame front must travel during combustion. The compact pentroof design is helpful here, as well.


Now I am in rant mode here are a couple more. When you are driving, yes you in the 300M moron, stay in the right lane unless overtaking. After you overtake look in the shiny thing called mirror. If you can see both the car’s headlights it is safe to move right again. If you are overtaken on the right then you are a moron. Do not under any circumstances potter along in the left lane thumbing your anus with your brain in neutral.

The next three rules and rants are for the benefit of drivers on the Capital Beltway I495.

1. It is illegal to use your indicators, they are for ornamental purposes only. If you need to cut across 4 lanes of traffic to get to your exit just do it. Other motorists will be happy to hit the brakes and make room for you.

2. It is also illegal to use the mirror. The rule of the road is that if you are slightly ahead of the people on either side then you have right of way. Just do it.

3. It is illegal to leave a safe braking distance between you and the car in front. If you leave a car’s length plus 2 inches a car on either side will have to fill that space. In order to avoid ramming the car in front he will dab his brakes. You will hit your brakes harder and the car behind you harder still. This is called the ripple effect and within 10 cars the beltway will stop. Clearly it is better for all if everyone tailgates at 70 mph.

People of North Virginia , South Maryland and DC, you deserve this mess enjoy it.