Coffee and the Texas Ranger

We have a customer, Albert, who I appreciate above all others. The reason for my undying devotion is that for some bizarre reason Albert always tips me a twenty. Cup of tea and a scone; a twenty. Lunch for Albert and Missus; a twenty. Now what’s not to love about that?

So purely by coincidence Albert is in line to pay and right behind him is Bertie Grabbit (Sue, Grabbit and Runne LLP). Well before I had even rung up Albert’s tab he drops a twenty in the old pickle jar. Bertie spots the tip and naturally (being an attorney) assumes that a mistake has been made. His jaw drops and I see him draw breath as if to speak. Nimbly vaulting the counter I casually fell Bertie with a roundhouse karate kick to the throat before hopping back over the counter and thanking Albert for his largesse.

I have learned so much from watching Chuck Norris as Walker, Texas Ranger.

Swipe here -> Chuck Norris is always there even when you can't see him. <-

TCB

Coffee and the filthy hacks

What the intercourse is it about journalists? I presume that when they are out on assignment (and for that matter when they are in the bar) they are on expenses so why are they cheap skating me, the bastards? Here are two absolute gospel true stories to prove my point.

For quite a while the journo who covers this area for the Bigtown Gazzette used to sneak into the Coffee House to use the wifi in order to email her story tissue of lies back to base. When my back was turned she would then sneak out without ordering anything. Well I got wise to this little ruse and as soon as she came in I would give her a menu and as what she wanted. Her tactic would be to start with a glass of water, file her story and then when my back was turned, well you can guess the rest. Not only do I expect to be paid I also expect to be lavishly tipped out as well. I certainly don’t expect the royal shaft.

Yesterday (and this is still making my blood boil) some girly hack from the Smalltown News and Post came in with some other silly bint that she was clearly interviewing for a story. I asked them what they needed and she replied, “Nothing thanks”. The audacity of using my Coffee House as a free meeting place was so astounding that despite every fiber of my being urging me to drag her out of the door by her pubes I simply walked away.

After conferring with the Boss, if she tries that shit again I will ask her not to disturb me at work; after all I don’t go to the bus depot and interrupt you blowing vagrants.I don’t know what they teach these people at Journo School but by the Christ they have balls of steel.

Coffee and Guns (again)

One of my favorite customers who should remain anonymous (screw that, it was DQ) came in for a bowl of soup. Her bill rang up at $3.57 and as she looked at the display on the register she muttered "That's what I need". Well ever one to pry into someone else's business I asked if she meant a Magnum 357. Cutting a long story short we then had a philosophical discussion on the relative merits of the 38P+ and the Magnum 357 rounds, and the bad day she was having.

As she left I could not help but to reflect on the fact that if you piss of a Yankee woman she will whine and bitch and have a hissy fit and generally make your life hell. Piss off a Kissbotty County woman and she just picks up her 357.

I tell you people I am never leaving Kissbotty.

Coffee and Hiatus

Good Lord, I'm back. Did you miss me? I missed you (natch, otherwise why would I be blogging)?

I would love to be able to tell you some fantastic stories that explain my absence. You know, an inoperable brain tumor that was miraculously fixed by a blind neurosurgeon from Chicago that operates (pun intended) pro bono because he loves the blog. Or perhaps a deep undercover mission to stop the Moooslim hoards jacking our precious right to rape the world of its natural resources. Sadly none of that would be true and as you know my stories are all kosher. The simple truth is that I just got bored and now I am not bored, just boring.

Despite the lack of a blog, all my chums kept turning up, Bertie, Judge Mental, the DQ and every day they do something to amuse me.

So here we go, pen akimbo and wating for today's hilarity