Coffee, Power and Plays

There is but one High School in the whole of Kissbotty County. I am sure that like me you will find this surprising as, after all, how much educashun does one need to grow tobacco and brew white lightening? I suppose the fact that we have even one school must be largely due to some interfering federal mandate that only serves to raise these poor little mite's hopes of a career just to later dash them against the grill of a McDonald's fryer.

Anyhoo, the boss and I decided to support these future burdens on the welfare state and see one of their school plays. Astoundingly it was all rather jolly and despite my misgivings I had a good time. It was, however a sad mark of the times that not only did the play have to be censored but in addition one of the mothers had to read a speech beforehand explaining that these kids were just acting and didn't really mean what they were saying. Heads up here folks, that is why it is called acting.


Afterwards we decided to grab a little Mexican (food that is) and managed to sneak in about 2 minutes before closing. As a general rule I don't normally do this as I know that when you piss off the kitchen staff they invariably snot up in your enchilada, but I was hungry enough to ingest a little mucus. As soon as our appetisers arrived, cheese dip for the boss and 4 Coronas for me, all the lights went out. Assuming that this was a hint to leave I started to hurl abuse at the staff only to discover that the east side of Smalltown was in darkness. Eventually Pepe asked if we would like our food to go. Sensing an opportunity to turn a drama into a crisis I told the boss to leave this to me and proffered a credit card. Of course with no power, the terminal didn't work. Looking as sad as I possibly could and under the cover of darkness I palmed my twenties and apologetically offered a five which they gratefully accepted. I later discovered that the fajita when served on a hot skillet is infinitely more attractive than cold and congealed in a poly box. Still whilst the lights were off I did manage to swipe all the flatware, two bottles of hot sauce and a very nice cheese dip dish.

TCB.

PS. The following day the town's tow truck driver came in and told me a story of how a drunken teenager had made an appointment with death by trying to ram a power pole. God clearly smiles of drunks in Smalltown as she rode up the support cable until the car was resting on its rear bumper. In order to get the car down Redneck Power had to turn the town off so he could pull her out, hence the power outage.

Coffee and the Porker

So Fruit of the Loin 1 and Slugger are settling down into domestic bliss and they decide that their happiness will be complete if they get a dog. Being the socially responsible adults , do-gooders that they are, they decide to adopt and they find this bloater. The story is that he has been rescued from a puppy mill

Now let make this point. If I am ever kidnapped by white slavers and set to stud impregnating women who want possible Ph.D. foetuses and I am being overfed and you "rescue" me, I will kill you, do you understand?

Coffee and Onions

There are a few days when I really don’t care anymore. It’s not that I don’t care about the business per se, but when I feel that I have done enough then I have done enough. At this point my usually desultory service becomes surly and I just don’t have the patience to twat about with your ridiculous requests and questions. I am sorry but there it is, sometimes a man can only do so much.

Today was a fine example. The morning coffee crowd was in and we did a cracking session of lattes, cappos, muffins and bagels. Then just before lunch Postman Pat turned up with a bumper check from Kissbotty County in settlement of a catering order. At this point I realized that we had already reached an acceptable daily taking so I voted to take the rest of the day off. Sadly the boss used her casting vote (aka a knee in the nadgers) to dash even my smallest of dreams. So, steeling myself for the lunchtime rush and jamming an icepack down the front of my shreddies the following took place. An elderly patron asked for soup and the cheese and onion muffin. After I had gone to all the trouble of writing her ticket and taking it all the way to the kitchen she then flags me down to let me know that she has just realized that the cheese and onion muffin has onion in it and she doesn’t like onion, so could she please have it without onion.

Not really being in the mood for jollity I was forced to point out that the freaking muffins are not actually baked to order and perhaps she should take the hint from the menu that the cheese and onion muffins might contain onion.

Honestly a cheese and onion without the onion, my life has turned into a Monty Python sketch.

Coffee and Smoke

Before you start this little tale of country folk you should probably nip over to my other blog and have a squint at this http://kimscar.blogspot.com/2008/03/smoker.html I promise that we will wait for you.

OK welcome back, now as I was saying. I was pottering around in Homo Depot collecting bits and pieces to finish the project when I bumped into one of my customers. Spying the armfuls of dexion and angle iron he mentioned that it looked like I was into a project. Ever one to regale my fellow man with a story or two I explained the design behind the smoker. He then shared his design for a Kissbotty smoker (and I swear that this is verbatim). You find an abandoned refrigerator and strip out all the plastic. You then put back the racks and use an Hibachi grill full of wood to smoke you meat. Of course you need to vent the smoke from the top for which purpose the correct tool of choice is a 12 gauge! Isn't that great?

He also gave me a recipe for beans. You place a bucket of beans on the base of the refrigerator next to the Hibachi but under the meat. This was so that the fat from the meat would fall into the bucket and make the best beans ever. He looked at me wistfully and said "That was before we discovered cholesterol now food tastes like crap"

People like these are why I am never leaving Kissbotty County