Coffee, Sugar and Tips

As you are well aware I am the most forgiving and tolerant of Coffee Bitches however today I need to talk to you about some unacceptable behavior that is becoming increasingly more prevalent. I am referring to those little packets of sugar and assorted sweeteners that are on the table. It needs to be clearly understood that these are for show purposes only. They give the outward appearance that I care when in reality I do not. There are many issues involved here; the first of course being the expense, sugar does not grow on trees you know. Secondly there is the issue of the little wrappers. You seem to be under the impression that it is acceptable to leave your detritus lying on the table for me to clear up, well it isn’t. For a start I hate clearing up after you and inevitably just as I get to the trash bin the little wrappers fly off the plate onto the floor, which involves me in yet more bending and scraping. Finally there seems to be a certain element suffering from Parkinson’s or something similar. I am forever finding white powder sprinkled liberally over the table. Apart from making me clean up after you (which is totally unacceptable) you are making my Coffee House look like Paula Abdul’s bathroom. So take the advice of the sweetener Nazis in California and stop using these chemicals, and abusing my hospitality. Similarly I have noticed that some of you seem to think it is acceptable to remove the straw from its wrapper and then tear the wrapper into little pieces or screw it up into shapes. This strikes me as some sort of nervous affliction probably caused by stress. People who suffer from stress are going to have a stroke and I don't want any of that nonsense in the shop. Smalltown Hospital is just down the road and they have a fine ER so go and bother them.Thank you.

Whilst I have your attention I have noticed a downward trend in my tips. I cannot imagine why this should be but nevertheless I need that money so stop being so cheap. There are several ways to show your appreciation of my stunning wit and gay banter. In reverse order of preference they are;

1. Leave money on the table. The disadvantage of this method is that I cannot see how generous you have been. I will therefore spend several minutes berating your cheapness behind your back, until I have bussed your table. It also involves me in the walk to the tip jar.
2. Press the dead presidents into my hand. The advantage here is that I can instantly see how generous you have been and therefore decide if I should continue to acknowledge your existence. The disadvantage is that we might make skin-to-skin contact and as you are well aware I have no desire to touch your faeces fingers.
3. Place money in the tip jar that is conveniently situated by the register. This should be accompanied by a loud “Do the tips go in here” and you should also hold the money high in the air first so I can once again gauge your appreciation of your host. Only under the most unusual of circumstances to I expect to hear the clatter of coins hitting the bottom of the jar.

Failure on your part to follow these simple and unwarrantedly generous rules will result in more draconian measures. No one wants to go back to the days of overcharging and shortchanging, do we? The ball is firmly in your court.

Have a nice day.
TCB