Well that was a very sad start to the New Year. Having berated the Germans for being the laziest race on earth I discovered that America was closed yesterday. Well America might be a slight exaggeration but certainly Kissbotty County was shut as was Smalltown and the court. As a result I spent ten consecutive hours staring at the ceiling tiles. Actually that is not true. I have a little sideline breeding racing roaches under the counter and things have been going quite well. The star of my stable is getting pretty quick and I was thinking of entering him in the Smalltown Hurdles. We were just finishing our final training session when the boss walked in and shouted “Ugh roach” Splat. Goodbye Bertie we will miss you.
Kissbotty Radio (home to all the hits) have, as promised, stopped all that Christmas carol nonsense but get this. The last two months were just a time warp; we are now getting all the same songs that we got in November. Cassie Underpants is still inviting Jesus to take the wheel and the other silly squealer is still whining on about how her life is crap because of some poor innocent man (or her mother, if Austin is to be believed. I have no idea as I would rather eat my own genitals than watch a Kelly Clarkson video). Dick ‘n’ Ed the “presenters” are still as unbearably jolly as ever and I suppose that is the way of life here in Kissbotty county. No one likes change much and as a result Dick ‘n’ Ed have been doing the same thing since the 70’s. Well here’s a heads up chaps. When you announce “Dick ‘n’ Ed, exclusively on Kissbotty Radio”; this means that no other station in America want to franchise you. I wonder why.
Last week I noticed that many of our neighbors had taken down their Christmas decorations and indeed Dick ‘n’ Ed were saying today, that they had taken down theirs as well. I had assumed that our neighbors were just being curmudgeons until I saw the Smalltown cherry picker removing the wreaths from the lampposts. Now as you colonials know, God is an Englishman so as his representative in Kissbotty, let me tell you that the decorations are supposed to stay up until 12th night. For the hard of learning that is January 6th. Got it?
Today one of those appalling old TV evangelist types (Send me $1000 now) has announced that God has told him that there will be a terrorist attack on the US this year and apparently millions will be killed. How is that when these people hear voices in their heads they have a mainline to God and when I hear voices I am just a Schizoidbitch? Anyway I did hear a voice and God told me that taking down decorations before 12th night makes baby Jesus cry, so pack it in now! Oh well at least this story gave me an idea for the name of Bertie’s replacement I shall call him Pat Robertson.
So at the end of 10 hours of sensory deprivation one of my pretty little customers asked if we were hiring. She said that she was looking for at least 40 hours and I had to say that to be honest, so am I. I think she wants me.
Finally I haven’t seen the Digital Queen forever. It will be a hideous start to a fresh new year to discover that she has made a New Year’s resolution to give up lattes. The irony will be that one of my Nursey girlfriends from the hospital gave me a bottle of gamma hydroxybutyric acid for Christmas and I am anxious to give it a test run.
Taking care of business
TCB
Kissbotty Radio (home to all the hits) have, as promised, stopped all that Christmas carol nonsense but get this. The last two months were just a time warp; we are now getting all the same songs that we got in November. Cassie Underpants is still inviting Jesus to take the wheel and the other silly squealer is still whining on about how her life is crap because of some poor innocent man (or her mother, if Austin is to be believed. I have no idea as I would rather eat my own genitals than watch a Kelly Clarkson video). Dick ‘n’ Ed the “presenters” are still as unbearably jolly as ever and I suppose that is the way of life here in Kissbotty county. No one likes change much and as a result Dick ‘n’ Ed have been doing the same thing since the 70’s. Well here’s a heads up chaps. When you announce “Dick ‘n’ Ed, exclusively on Kissbotty Radio”; this means that no other station in America want to franchise you. I wonder why.
Last week I noticed that many of our neighbors had taken down their Christmas decorations and indeed Dick ‘n’ Ed were saying today, that they had taken down theirs as well. I had assumed that our neighbors were just being curmudgeons until I saw the Smalltown cherry picker removing the wreaths from the lampposts. Now as you colonials know, God is an Englishman so as his representative in Kissbotty, let me tell you that the decorations are supposed to stay up until 12th night. For the hard of learning that is January 6th. Got it?
Today one of those appalling old TV evangelist types (Send me $1000 now) has announced that God has told him that there will be a terrorist attack on the US this year and apparently millions will be killed. How is that when these people hear voices in their heads they have a mainline to God and when I hear voices I am just a Schizoidbitch? Anyway I did hear a voice and God told me that taking down decorations before 12th night makes baby Jesus cry, so pack it in now! Oh well at least this story gave me an idea for the name of Bertie’s replacement I shall call him Pat Robertson.
So at the end of 10 hours of sensory deprivation one of my pretty little customers asked if we were hiring. She said that she was looking for at least 40 hours and I had to say that to be honest, so am I. I think she wants me.
Finally I haven’t seen the Digital Queen forever. It will be a hideous start to a fresh new year to discover that she has made a New Year’s resolution to give up lattes. The irony will be that one of my Nursey girlfriends from the hospital gave me a bottle of gamma hydroxybutyric acid for Christmas and I am anxious to give it a test run.
Taking care of business
TCB
1 comment:
CB -- I will NEVER give up lattes!!
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