Coffee and more Religion

I am getting quite an education these days. Most mornings Bertie Grabbitt (Sue, Grabbitt and Runne LLP) grabs a coffee and lingers for a discussion during which we set the world to rights. Our politics are somewhat different which can make for a lively debate and I have recently discovered that I can make a vein pop up on his forehead by using three simple words. “President Hillary Clinton”. I think that we can all agree here that the American people will never be as progressive as to elect a woman, black or Jew so I don’t know why he is getting upset, still it is a neat party trick. It was in the back of my mind that JFK was the last and only catholic President. Apparently the American people have an aversion to electing Presidents that might take their orders from Rome (and you people founded American to escape religious persecution?). Anyway yesterday’s debate was founded on the expression “cafeteria Catholic”. Apparently JFK was one and for the benefit of those of you who are as religiously ignorant as I, a cafeteria Catholic is a Catholic who picks and chooses the dogma that he likes and disregards the rest.

Today’s discussion involved the infallibility of the Pope. Now I had always assumed that whatever the Bishop of Rome said was irrefutable but according to Bertie I am wrong (I know it’s hard to believe). Apparently statements by a pope that exercise papal infallibility are referred to as solemn papal definitions or ex cathedra teachings. These should not be confused with teachings that are infallible because of a solemn definition by an ecumenical council, or with teachings that are infallible in virtue of being taught by the ordinary and universal magisterium.
According to the teaching of the First Vatican Council and Catholic tradition, the conditions required for ex cathedra teaching are as follows:

1. "the Roman Pontiff"
2. "speaks ex cathedra" ("that is, when in the discharge of his office as shepherd and teacher of all Christians, and by virtue of his supreme apostolic authority….")
3. "he defines"
4. "that a doctrine concerning faith or morals"
5. "must be held by the whole Church"

Well that was the gist of what Bertie said and I think that you will agree it is all powerful stuff. I would probably be more interested in religion if it wasn’t for the the certain knowledge that my habit of roofing Cheryl’s lattes have condemned me to an eternity of fellating Satan’s toes.

Talking of which (and once again I quote Bertie) we have a serious issues with the obituary columns in the Bigtown Gazette. I am a keen reader of the obit column as most days it is the only confirmation that I still have a life. Apparently when people write “Gone to meet our Heavenly Father” or similar, they are sinning. According to Rome (and who am I to argue?) it is a sin to presume that you, or anyone else, will go to heaven. All of this leads me to the point of today’s message.

It was late at night as the Pope, who had departed this world, was approaching the gates of heaven. There was no one around, but there was a small shack just prior to the gates with a light on. The Pope stepped into the shack and startled a young man half asleep sitting at a small grey desk."Excuse me" said the Pope, "but I'm supposed to check in here with St. Peter, but there is no one at the gate." "Yea, Yea" said the young man, "Where are your papers?""I don't have any papers, " said the Pope."Well it's too late to check in tonight anyhow." said the young man, "Just go around to the back of the building, find a rack and dump your gear in a locker. St. Peter will be here in the morning and you can check in then."The Pope grabs his stuff and walks around the building only to find a WWII style open bay barracks. The racks are stacked three high and the only open one is all the way at the end of the building, and its on top. He drags his stuff to the end of the building, but there is no locker for him. He takes a deep breath, thinks about it for a minute and decides this is just one final test. He crawls up into the rack and falls asleep.Suddenly he is awakened by a loud commotion outside the barracks. As he walks outside he sees a huge crowd of angels cheering and clapping as a gold convertible limousine approaches. As it draws nearer, the Pope sees a guy in a suit with a brief case and a beautiful angel on each arm, a beer in his hand and he is smoking one of the biggest cigars the Pope has ever seen. The Pope turns to the young man who checked him in and asks, "Who is that guy?" "Well that’s Bertie Grabbitt," the young man replies.The Pope says, "I don't get it. I worked hard all of my life to do God's work on earth. As a young man I studied hard at the seminary, as a priest I labored hard to tend my flock and provide guidance when they strayed. I struggled as a bishop to serve the church and as Pope; I was able to attract more followers of the faith. Yet, when I reach heaven, St. Peter isn't here to greet me. I have to carry my own bags. I'm stuck in the top rack of an open bay barracks and I don't even have a locker for my bags!"The young man looks at the Pope and says. "Look, we get a Pope every 20-30 years, but Bertie is the only lawyer who has ever made it!"