Coffee and the Bathroom

One of the things that I was dreading when we opened up the shop was bathroom duty. The thought of cleaning the dumper was almost more than I could bear. As it happens Smalltownians have been remarkably sanitary in their toiletries and with the exception of one or two incidents (which may or may not, have been authored by myself, I admit nothing) using the restroom has been like a breath of fresh air. Anyway the long and the short of it is that Smalltownians spend a remarkably short time in the latrine and this may due to the fact that I installed a fake CCTV camera above the door.
The only reason I mention this is that FOTL2 received an email today and it made me think how lucky I am in the cludgey department. First allow me to set the scene for you. FOTL2 is a residential assistant at Collegetown. She looks after a floor of the dorm and resolves any issues that might occur. The rooms are double occupancy and a bathroom links two rooms. So you can see that one has a roommate and two suite mates, are you still with me? Good, here is the email.

Dear xxxxxxx
I really don’t want to cause any trouble but I have really had it with my two suite mates. Every Friday they go out and get hammered, returning in the early hours of Saturday morning and I am woken by the sound of them heaving up. This unfortunately is not the real problem you see every Saturday morning I get up to find the whole of the toilet area (not just the toilet) covered in vomit and feces. Please can you do something to help. I have to go now as I need to pee and it is a long walk to the communal bathroom.
Thanks
Christi

Isn’t that a charming tale? Remember that the vomiters / faecers are freshmen, i.e. way below the legal drinking age and Collegetown has a pretty draconian policy regarding this sort of nonsense. These girls could be on the next bus home if they get reported. I asked FOTL2 how she was going to handle this and she told me that it was hard to have any sympathy as last month the suitemates had complained about Christi. Apparently Christi used to have a pet hamster (a breach of college rules) and when she cleaned out its cage she would deposit the hamster dump in the washbasin. This all begs the question. Mothers what are you teaching your daughters?

I was reading the Bigtown Gazette this morning and the lead story in the Virginia section involves Smallscrote County. It turns out that Smallscrote was the last county in Virginia to get a public library. Amazingly it was not until 2004 that the library opened and more amazingly it only happened, in the main, due to the fund raising activities of the Girl Guides. Sadly less than 3 years later the library is to close. I guess this just proves that you can lead a redneck to the library but you can’t make him read. This reminds me of the old joke that the Smalltown library burned down and both books were destroyed. The real tragedy was that one of them hadn’t even been colored in yet. (This is actually mean and unworthy. Here in Smalltown we are blessed with a fine library staffed with dedicated librarians. Remember folks the moral of the tale is use it or lose it).

On a happier note I am pleased to report that the tip situation has vastly improved since my earlier blog, well done to all concerned. Thanks to your kind cooperation tonight I shall slip into arms of Bacchus on a river of Grolsch instead of the usual Bud Lite. In view of your integrity I have reset the meals tax on the register from 14% to the more appropriate (and legal) 4%. I will of course continue to keep an eye on the old pickle jar so dig deep people.

Well it is Friday and I am done for the week and to be frank it has all been a tad exhausting. I have spent the last five days staying on the right side of the boss and let me tell you people that wasn’t an easy task. Still as a result of my pathetic ingratiation I think she is up for it tonight. If you have been paying attention you will know that I spent way too long in El Paso, where I learned to make love rodeo style. Sadly the boss isn’t too keen on having that rope tied around her waist and she is even less keen when I spur her out of the chute. Of late there has been some discussion as to whether I am actually staying mounted for the full eight seconds but, hey, it is tough to perform with a clown in a barrel in the corner of the bedroom.

Riding into town
TCB