Bonjour ma petite mange touts, or as we say in French “I’m back”. Welcome to 2007 where I thought I would start the year as I mean to continue, with a rant. Well I was going to have a moan at the quality of (or lack of) television programming. I say that I was going to, as I realized that after nearly a decade in the US I still have not realized that there are certain cultural icons that just do not change. A rant about Christmas television would probably leave most people shrugging their shoulders and thinking “so what?” Instead I shall therefore tell you about Christmas in my old country.
In order to fully appreciate the Christmas holiday, which after all is just an excuse to eat and drink yourself into a coma, you have to have a few days off. This means that you stop working around midday Christmas Eve and do not return until the 2nd January and that is a holiday. In case you are thinking what lazy twatbags we Brits are, you should consider what happens in Germany. Those crafty old Krauts have stitched up a whole load quasi-religious nonsense onto the second week of January. This means that after Christmas they celebrate St Wiltrudis of the Black Forest Day and whole load of other crap. In consequence, Germans do not return to work until the SECOND Monday of January, and that is laziness beyond comprehension. The good news is that Jerry is too lazy even to impregnate his woman. As a result birth rates in Germany are the lowest in the world at 1.37. (To sustain a population you need to crack 2.1) so we should be rid of them all in 100 years or so. To encourage Germans to copulate their government is offering $33,000 in benefits if you get your woman knocked up. Don’t believe me? Then check this out, and don’t forget to come back.
Anyway back to the traditional Brit Christmas, at the center of which is the television. What happens is that all the channels compete to get the highest ratings and so they buy the rights to the best movies and commission the Christmas specials of the most popular programs through the year. This means that the whole family sit around the TV together in front of a roaring fire drinking all those exotic drinks that normally you wouldn’t touch with a bargepole. How I miss the Reith lectures from the Royal Albert Hall, the classic movies and the Queen’s speech. So why is it that in the US television stations seem to pretend that Christmas is just another day? I looked up the schedule on the Bigtown local station for Christmas Day and at 5:00 we were treated to Judge Judy. Come on people, I am sure that Judy Shenfeld is a fine jurist and a caring compassionate judge but for the love of God it’s Christmas here. Later I did a little research and found the three top programs of the Christmas holiday, we had.
Number 1. Deal or No Deal
Number 2. 1 vs. 100
Number 3. CSI, Miami
But get this people, the CSI was a repeat. The third most popular program was a repeat and the top two were mindless game shows. Jesus what a Christmas. Let me tell you that your television is totally to blame for the fact that I was found in the hot tub on Christmas Day, tired and emotional (aka drunk out of my mind) apparently using empty beer cans as an exfoliant. This does not pass as family entertainment in the Boss’s house so I was consigned to the basement to think about what I had done. Of course I would not have been in such deep do-do if she had just told me that she had added uric acid detecting crystals to the hot tub water. Women can be so picky.
Still on the bright side being the Coffee Bitch meant that I got more than my fair share of party invites. Unfortunately (and this is true) the Boss has developed and allergy to alcohol which now gives her a pounding head and the most vicious of squirts. The end result is that I have a DD for life and that is a sweet deal. I suppose I should feel guilty about slipping that Al-Abuse medication in her coffee but needs must and I do like to party. Anyway what’s the point in being nice to the Smalltown Hospital nurses if you can’t get the odd bottle of Acamprosate, Prosac and a couple of Roofies on the house.
Partying like it’s 1984, or something.
In order to fully appreciate the Christmas holiday, which after all is just an excuse to eat and drink yourself into a coma, you have to have a few days off. This means that you stop working around midday Christmas Eve and do not return until the 2nd January and that is a holiday. In case you are thinking what lazy twatbags we Brits are, you should consider what happens in Germany. Those crafty old Krauts have stitched up a whole load quasi-religious nonsense onto the second week of January. This means that after Christmas they celebrate St Wiltrudis of the Black Forest Day and whole load of other crap. In consequence, Germans do not return to work until the SECOND Monday of January, and that is laziness beyond comprehension. The good news is that Jerry is too lazy even to impregnate his woman. As a result birth rates in Germany are the lowest in the world at 1.37. (To sustain a population you need to crack 2.1) so we should be rid of them all in 100 years or so. To encourage Germans to copulate their government is offering $33,000 in benefits if you get your woman knocked up. Don’t believe me? Then check this out, and don’t forget to come back.
Anyway back to the traditional Brit Christmas, at the center of which is the television. What happens is that all the channels compete to get the highest ratings and so they buy the rights to the best movies and commission the Christmas specials of the most popular programs through the year. This means that the whole family sit around the TV together in front of a roaring fire drinking all those exotic drinks that normally you wouldn’t touch with a bargepole. How I miss the Reith lectures from the Royal Albert Hall, the classic movies and the Queen’s speech. So why is it that in the US television stations seem to pretend that Christmas is just another day? I looked up the schedule on the Bigtown local station for Christmas Day and at 5:00 we were treated to Judge Judy. Come on people, I am sure that Judy Shenfeld is a fine jurist and a caring compassionate judge but for the love of God it’s Christmas here. Later I did a little research and found the three top programs of the Christmas holiday, we had.
Number 1. Deal or No Deal
Number 2. 1 vs. 100
Number 3. CSI, Miami
But get this people, the CSI was a repeat. The third most popular program was a repeat and the top two were mindless game shows. Jesus what a Christmas. Let me tell you that your television is totally to blame for the fact that I was found in the hot tub on Christmas Day, tired and emotional (aka drunk out of my mind) apparently using empty beer cans as an exfoliant. This does not pass as family entertainment in the Boss’s house so I was consigned to the basement to think about what I had done. Of course I would not have been in such deep do-do if she had just told me that she had added uric acid detecting crystals to the hot tub water. Women can be so picky.
Still on the bright side being the Coffee Bitch meant that I got more than my fair share of party invites. Unfortunately (and this is true) the Boss has developed and allergy to alcohol which now gives her a pounding head and the most vicious of squirts. The end result is that I have a DD for life and that is a sweet deal. I suppose I should feel guilty about slipping that Al-Abuse medication in her coffee but needs must and I do like to party. Anyway what’s the point in being nice to the Smalltown Hospital nurses if you can’t get the odd bottle of Acamprosate, Prosac and a couple of Roofies on the house.
Partying like it’s 1984, or something.
TCB
1 comment:
Hey CB!
Boy -- have you been missed!!!! Last week was horrible without you!! And you're so bad -- peeing in the hot tub? PLEASEEEEE!
Cya soon & HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
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