Coffee and the Radio

There are many great things about living in Kissbotty county, although it has to be said that we are not the most cosmopolitan locale in the U.S. As you know I have already whined on dreadfully about the lack of fine dining ( I bet there is not one tablecloth in the whole of the county) so I won’t bash on about that again. Instead I shall moan on about the state of local radio. We have, here, just about one radio station that is not hard-core country and that is of course, Kissbotty Radio, home to all the hits. (There is also some stuff on AM but to be frank I am not too interested in the price of pork bellies, or adverts about tractors). As you can imagine, during the many, many minutes of quiet time I have got to know the radio “presenters” quite intimately, I have also discovered that;

a) Kissbotty Radio has a playlist of about 50 songs
b) They must have some sort of payola deal with American Idol winners.

As a direct result of points a and b, I hear two songs even in my dreams, I know all the words and I am slowly going insane. Before I finally loose my last marble I would just like to say to Kelly Clarkson, STOP COMPLAINING. It is not the fault of your husband/partner/boyfriend that you are afraid to cross the road. That is so typical of a woman. My life is crap so it must be the fault of the person wearing the testes. Give it up beyatch, your life is turning to dust because you are a failure, it is your fault. You know that paranoid feeling you get when you hear laughter and think that people are talking about you? Well in your case it is true so stay in bed and stop singing.

There is another American Idol (or is it Idle) who is also torturing me, some silly bint called Cassie Underpants or something. Well Cassie listen up. When you are driving and hit black ice you should try to turn into the skid to regain traction. If you have anti-lock brakes you can jam you foot hard on the brake because you won’t make the situation worse. If you are a resident of Kissbotty and drive a 1980 Safety Inspection reject then you should probably not bother with the brakes at all. When you emerge from the ashes of your Ford Pinto I earnestly recommend that you do not tell the police investigator that you threw your hands in the air and screamed “Jesus take the wheel”. You might just find that your insurance company holds you negligent and refuses to pay you the $15 that your “car” is worth. By the way the baby should not have been asleep lying on the back seat. If social services catch you with the baby not in a child seat they will probably take the little snot eater into care. Still look on the bright side, you can sing a duet with Kelly about how your accident was the fault of some poor harmless bastard that looked at you once back in the 80’s.

For those of you who know about these things, and let’s face it if you live in Kissbotty and didn’t see the Country Music Awards then you is “probly a pinko commie gay boy from the North”, Faith Hill was right to throw a shit fit. Cassie your “career” is about a year old and you are the Country Music Star of the Year, I don’t think so. How did you do that? Don’t answer I think I can guess. It looks like Faith blew her opportunity, or perhaps she didn’t blow, if you catch my drift. Anyway lest you think I am biased I didn’t vote for Ms Hill, I actually wanted Shania to win because she is on my “to do” list. Sorry Faith I feel your sorrow.

This rant seems to have gone off track as I started with the intention of castigating Kissbotty radio. You see just as I thought that things could not get worse Kissbotty radio announced themselves as the official Christmas station and promised to play only Christmas songs from now on. Come on guys, it is November! Give me a break. After only two days of Bing and Perry and the Carpenters, I want Cassie Underpants back.

“Jesus take the coffee machine.
I can’t brew this any more”

TCB