Coffee and Snow

Well that was another hideously dull day. For a while I thought that I wasn’t going to have any customers and this I blame on the weather. There is not too much to recommend Fairfax County but at least they can manage to conduct business when it snows. Here in Kissbotty the merest hint of a snowflake closes the schools for a week and we all grind to a halt. I am guessing that when the snots are off school parents have to baby-sit and therefore don’t go to work. This means that they don’t buy coffee and they don’t go out for lunch. One of the school administrators came in (at about 11:30, in jeans and looking very smug) and told me that the closures are due to the fact that Kissbotty County does not want kids hanging around bus stops in the cold. Well people let me tell you when I was a boy we didn’t have school busses, I walked three miles every day and what is more it was uphill in both directions. We were so poor that my parents bought my clothes from the local Army surplus store. Can you imagine the shame of walking to school dressed as a Japanese Admiral? By the way these closures are announced by the impossibly perky Dick and Ed on Kissbotty radio (home of all the hits) and they are punctuated by strange statements such as “Kissbotty County code green four”. These statements are actually the secret code for which bar the teachers will meet up at for a lunchtime alcohol and weed fuelled orgy of lust and depravity.

Anyway it really is too much to expect me to sit here and twiddle my thumbs. I swear to God if it wasn’t for the DQ and the fishing waders (I never tire of that) and my old mate the mountain man I would have gone gaga today. Yes indeed the mountain man returned today with his dear old Mother (or Mama as we say in the south). The poor old girl isn’t too good these days and has had quite a few falls, probably shine induced if I am any judge. To prove the point she shuffled off to give the Boss a hug (which let me off the hook), tripped over her own feet and launched herself across the shop. Fortunately the Boss was there to catch her, and it was fortunate as if I had been there I would have deftly side stepped and granny would have been toast. Ladies if you want to throw yourself into this Bitch’s arms you need to be wearing a school uniform. Sadly Granny is looking a little frail these days and I rather fear for her marbles. She and the man mountain were the only ones in the shop when she asked if I knew the person in the corner. After a few moments of MM and I shrugging shoulders and rolling our eyes MM pointed out that she was actually looking at my reflection in the mirror. Without missing a beat she said that we looked so alike he could be my brother. And so the world turns.

Ever one to utilize my copious quantities of spare time I checked out the BBC news to find out how the Champagne Socialists are ruining England. I spotted that back in the UK 160,000 turkeys have been slaughtered due to an outbreak of bird flu. It seems to me that the World Health Organization have seriously dropped the ball on this important issue. If we all put some non-drowsy formula Day Quil in our birdbaths I am sure that the problem will be solved. Of course it goes without saying that we will also need to use some Night Quil for the owls.

Also back in the UK I see that Sir Paul McCartney is having troubles with his divorce. Perhaps he should try to put his current predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of this alive.

Talking of pirates I see that video piracy is now so prevalent in the UK that they now have their own rating; it is of course, AAARRRRRR

From the local news pages I see that a nasty tornado passed through Florida last week. Now a Florida tornado and a Smalltown divorce have something in common. In both cases someone is about to lose a trailer.

Finally here is some driving advice for the elderly in Smalltown. Pressing the pedal on your right will make your car go a little faster. Forget all that rubbish about suffocating at speeds above 15mph, it was all a myth.

VAROOOM
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