This little tale would be completely pointless if it wasn’t for the fact that every word is the gospel truth. One of my fairly regular lunch customers came in with his mother, who is an infrequent visitor, and her mother who I have never seen before. The old girl, who must have been 80 if she was a day, was clearly having difficulty in the cognitive department and as such I just knew that I was going to have some fun with her. I gave them extra time to peruse the menu of delights but without any surprise the old girl still had no idea what she wanted. Her daughter and her grandson tried prompting her but she was having none of it. (Sometimes I think that old folk do this deliberately to piss off their children. Certainly I have told FOTL1 that when I am 83 and senile she will be wiping my arse, and what is more I shall make her wipe it even when it doesn’t need wiping). Out of the blue the boy asks me what part of the UK I was from. When I told him, Granny pipes up “That’s not the real England”. Then I remembered this was the guy who had told me that his Granny was from the UK. Well it turns out that she had got her hooks into a GI in 1945 and had lived here ever since. Two bizarre things then happened. The first was that within minutes she lost a 60-year American accent and started talking the Queens English. The second was that her IQ shot up by 100% and she started to talk sense and choosing things off the menu. We had a grand old time taking the piss out of her American daughter and grandson and she was thrilled to see that I had a picture of “Winnie” on my wall. The two of us had a lovely lunch together but eventually they had to take the old girl away and she was really sad to have to go. I have to say that I too was sad to see her go especially as it was clear that talking to me is a perfect cure for senility. I almost felt bad about charging her for an extra cup of tea that she didn’t have, but needs must and she obviously wasn’t as sharp as she thought she was.
Cha-ching.
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