Coffee and Learning

Things that I learned this weekend

I learned that, courtesy of the laws of physics, the freezer is not a good place to hide my secret beer stash. Yes I know, everyone knows that, but the beer was warm, I was thirsty and apparently forgetful as well. You would think that the beer would freeze and the tin would rupture and that would be it. Sadly it is not that simple. What happens is that the water freezes first (and there is a lot of water in beer) and the alcohol freezes later. This means that the beer forms some sort of slurpy that is neither ice nor water but just makes a nasty mess that runs down the side of the freezer. I still don’t know why I did this but I just wondered what a beer slurpy was going to taste like so I took a lick. Big mistake. In an instant my tongue was welded fast to the inside wall of the freezer. After about an hour (and I still think she was turning a deaf ear) the boss heard my grunts of panic and came to assist. Now she could of poured warm water down the side of the freezer or perhaps used a rubber spatula to ease me apart from the freezer. No she reached down, grabbed me by the shopping and pulled hard. She later explained that she was merely using the band aid method (short, sharp shock) but like a ripped of band aid leaves a residue on your skin, so I left a residue of taste buds on the freezer wall. Oh well that might come in handy should I ever be involved in an intimate relationship with a certain Ms. Hilton.

I also learned that the black wire hurts. Yes I know I should have turned the power off first but it was a simple job and I know what I am doing. I actually knew that it is not the black wire that hurts but rather the copper bit at the end you need to avoid. What I overlooked was the fact that if the copper bit touches a metal bit that you are holding in the other hand, that is the same as touching the copper bit. So we had flash, crack, tingling feeling all over followed by a nasty warm squelchy feeling down below. Crap! “Yes boss I know, it must be those inconsiderate bastards at Redneck Power Inc., I’m sure they will be back on line soon dearest”. Now where is the breaker box? Eventually I found the breaker only to discover that a very hidden earth trip had also popped. Oh Lord is this ever going to end? Well of course, being the genius that I am it did end and now I just need to hide the evidence by burning my boxers. Remember children Mr. Fork and Mrs. Outlet are not good friends.

I learned that not all fast food is the same. As I have mentioned before we have a dearth of haute cuisine in Smalltown. This weekend we were in town purchasing beer and shotgun shells (a dangerous combination at the best of times) when the boss offered to stump up for a lunch. We decided on a burger joint and had the most miserable of times. The customers were being real ugly to the staff and the staff, in response, were showing complete indifference. The food wasn’t too shabby but because of the atmosphere we just mindlessly shoveled it down at got out as quick as possible. It would be invidious of me to name names so I will. It was Burger King.The next day we were driving to Collegetown to hook up with FOTL1 and murder some clay pigeons when the boss once again offered to stump up for breakfast. Now call me a redneck hill billy peasant if you will but if I am eating breakfast I want to be eating at the Waffle House. The Collegetown Waffle House was buzzing when we entered. The good ol’ boys were bellied up to the bar and mercilessly taunting the servers. The ladies were in consequence pumping estrogen and flirting outrageously. Everyone was full of caffeine and cholesterol and having a great time. In the midst of all this mayhem a single cook takes shouted orders from four servers and gets every order right. Good-natured jokes and plenty of laughter, our server served us with a great breakfast and a beaming smile (I think she wanted me). When you drop a big old belch outside a Waffle House on a Sunday morning you just know the day isn’t gonna get better than this. Bring on the Monday I’m ready.