Coffee and Invoices

Have you ever looked at your telephone bill? I mean really looked. It used to amaze me that the quoted cost of $14.99 per month and free local calls could result in a bill of $60 plus per month. I realize that one needs to subtract the long distance plan (and that is another huge scam) but even so I could never work out how they made so little cost so much, twas a trick that David Copperfield would have been proud of.

I am by no means a fan of British Telecom but their bill was two rows
Rental of line
Cost of calls.
That was it, easy isn’t it? No long distance nonsense, no portability crap, no intrastate communication scamming, just a plain English language bill submitted every three months.

So, you wonder, where is all this going, wonder no more patient reader? The Smalltown Telephone Company Inc. are holding a seminar in the Coffee House tonight and following their lead I am preparing the invoice. It will look something like this;

Rental of space
Bathroom fee
Walking through the door surcharge
Exit plan franchise fee
Fresh air fee
Tax on franchise fee
Franchise on tax fee
Happy smiley face whilst I box you up like a kipper fee

Of course I also need to cram the account. Cramming is where the telephone company adds extra chargeable services that you didn’t request. So buried in the fine print will be 2 cases of beer that they didn’t order. If I am caught out I shall explain that I didn’t ask for ETL Internet advertising either. If they would like this monthly charge removed then they need to call 27 times and eventually I will refund their money, however it will take 3 billing cycles. (Whatever that means). You know I can’t help but to wonder if I am not a tad too much of a people person.

Revenge, the dish best eaten cold.

TCB

PS. I have just discovered that the seminar is about their DSL service (I know this as at the last minute they came in to install a wireless router). Well courtesy of the Digital Queen I already have a wireless service in the Coffee House. I just know that my one is going to be faster than DSL so I might just change the broadcast name to “Faster than DSL”. $10 says they beg me to turn off my router.

Je suis une rock star baby.