Last week was something of an odd week. My favorite customers were hardly to be seen and dear old Andy didn’t show at all. I do hope that he is not walking around North Carolina looking for his home. I am sure that those Carolinians will not be so helpful as I was and I hate the thought of him wasting his 401k tipping out some ungrateful out of state bastard. My little clique of high school kids who come in for breakfast was thinner than normal, I expect that some of them may have got their credit card bill and realized that a daily latte really does add up. Damn you Visa, give these kids a break. I suppose that I should be concerned about their fiscal responsibly but to be frank these kids have the biggest disposable income in Kissbotty County and I am just like any other drug dealer peddling addictive stimulants.
Right at the end of a tedious day that was ending a tedious week an unusual event occurred. A reasonably good-looking woman came in wearing hospital scrubs, a stethoscope and bearing a very long shopping list of cappos, lattes and mochas. Now I freely admit that I am a sucker for a woman in a uniform. I sometimes wonder if I suffer from some from of visual schizophrenia. Normal Coffee Bitches may see an average looking woman in a nurses uniform, I see a love goddess with a six pack in one hand, an enema pump in the other and a come upstairs look on her face. In similar fashion when the floozies from the police station come in to taunt me with their feminine wiles I see Janet Reger and glistening nightsticks. Of course it goes without saying that a good-looking woman in fly fishing waders is another story (and probably will be soon). The only uniform that I cannot get on with is the Sheriff’s department. No matter how gorgeous you are, that nasty brown uniform makes the fittest lady deputy look like a giant dog doo and perhaps that is why they are such a dour bunch. When they came in for lunch I tried to loosen them up, I really did but the only thing that put a glint of lust in their eyes was gun talk. The standard issue here in Kissbotty is the SIG 9mm and amongst many others I own a P229 so we had something in common. When I tried to provoke them by mentioning the fact the 9mm was a touch girly for my taste they actually agreed. I got the feeling that these bitches really did want to blow miscreants away with a good ol’ 45 soft tip. They would be my kind of ladies but despite imagining them with bicycle pumps, aerosols of whipped cream, knotted nylons, bamboo canes and Saran wrap, I just could not get around that nasty brown uniform. Sorry ladies it looks like we are destined never to climb into the arms of Bacchus together. I feel your loss.
Now hospital scrubs may not be the most alluring of uniforms but I have discovered that under the right light they become fairly translucent which is how the boss came to find me under the counter holding a 2000 watt spotlight. A swift kick to the nadgers reminded me that I was supposed to be making coffee Despite my protestations that I was in fact looking for a wayward coffee bean I was soon behind the Espresso machine brewing up with crossed legs and through a misty vale of tears. Preparing lattes is where I am a Viking and inside 5 minutes I had banged out 10 assorted and taken just shy of $40. Not a bad end to the week.
When the Coffee House is really quite it is like a sensory deprivation chamber, although it is possible that sucking up weed through a hookah pipe filled with shine doesn’t help. Either way I am not sure if this actually happened or if I imagined it, but talking of uniforms, as we were. A guy came into the shop dressed in full pirates uniform. He had the parrot on his shoulder and he even sported a wooden leg. Bizarrely enough he had a huge ship’s wheel strapped to his groin. Looking up I asked if he knew that he had a ship’s wheel hanging off his Johnson. He replied “Arr Matey; it’s driving me nuts”.
As a treat he boss offered to take me out to breakfast. Sadly that turned out to be carte blanche at the free samples in Sam’s Club. Shopping again, how gullible am I? Still even the shopping turned out to have a happy ending. As I wandered through the parking lot in the usual search for the mislaid truck I was approached by a young lady who wondered if I might care to sleep with her for $50. I replied that I wasn’t very tired but I could certainly do with the money.
OK world, bring on the Monday.
As a treat he boss offered to take me out to breakfast. Sadly that turned out to be carte blanche at the free samples in Sam’s Club. Shopping again, how gullible am I? Still even the shopping turned out to have a happy ending. As I wandered through the parking lot in the usual search for the mislaid truck I was approached by a young lady who wondered if I might care to sleep with her for $50. I replied that I wasn’t very tired but I could certainly do with the money.
OK world, bring on the Monday.
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