Coffee and Guns

Finally after all these months in Kissbotty County I got some shooting in. Not skeet which is what I really wanted (and I really must motivate myself to call the local club) but at least I got to shoot a selection of my collection of handguns. The Forestry Service in the next county has built a rather decent range and they only ask for two things. One is a donation of at least $1 per shooter, which is ridiculously cheap, and the second is that you only shoot paper, clay or wood targets. I can’t tell if the Hill Billies of Smallscrote County can read but I can tell you that they have turned a nice little range into a junkyard of aluminum cans and broken glass. The Forestry Service has placed signs asking people not to shoot out televisions or computer monitors, and of course the signs are surrounded by shot out televisions and computer monitors. Look rednecks, when you shoot out this shit you are going to pollute the soil with cadmium, mercury, phosphor and all manner of toxic crap. Now I don’t care if this is the reason that your kids are retards (although it might also be because youz bin bumpin’ uglies with youz sister) but the river that flows through Smallscrote county ends up in Kissbotty and supplies my well. So knock it off OK?

Just because it is my second amendment right (and more of that later) I own the most powerful handgun in the world as well as the most powerful semi-automatic. The satisfaction of firing off a hand cannon is only matched by the complete dissatisfaction of using a $2.50 round to punch a half-inch hole in a paper target. So bearing in mind the rules regarding targets, FOTL1 and I took an old oak headboard to the range. Now that is what I am talking about. What joy. Did we ever blow chunks out of that sucker. At the end of the day being responsible shooters that we are we took our crap home only stopping to pay our dues at the honesty box. People of Smallscrote take note; if you continue to abuse the facilities the Forestry Service will probably close the range and then we will have to come to your home to practice.

This business at the range got me thinking about guns and rednecks and of course the second amendment which they are so fond of quoting. Let me see if I can get this right A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed. So we are at present under threat (so Dubbya keeps telling me) and your country needs you. I respectfully suggest that all of you who stand on your 2nd amendments rights now need to form that militia and report to Fort Bragg, North Carolina. Next stop Iraq. I am guessing that the 2nd doesn’t sound so good now does it. Anyway lest you think that I am a gun-toting hypocrite let me offer my rules for gun ownership.

1. You need to be able to read and write (English)
2. You need to register your guns (just like your truck, Bubba)
3. You need to complete a federally approved gun awareness course and pass the test afterwards
4. You need to own a gun safe. I don’t care if your kids shoot each other I just don’t want the little tards tooled up and loose on my street


In my travels I have met many gun owners and to a man (and woman) they despised Bill Clinton for his assault weapon ban. Yet when I ask why weapons of war should not be kept off the streets of America, there seems to be no answer. To my mind a cop puts on his uniform and puts himself in harms way to protect me and mine. Why he would do this I don’t know, it surely isn’t for the money. Anyone who designs a round to go through the cops vest, or who uses an Uzi 10 on a cop (or me for that matter) is IMHO in the same league as Osama bin Scumbag. So my fellow Hill Billies, gun ownership, a responsibility not a right. Are we all agreed on this?