Coffee and the Law part III

You may recall from Coffee and the Law that I mentioned the international law firm of Sue, Grabbit and Runne, well Grabbit has become quite a regular over the last few weeks. He claims to be a fellow immigrant like me but you know what attorneys are, however it is entirely possible that he and I are the only people in Smalltown who are not actually related.

It seems that Sue, Grabbit and Runne have taken up with the local Chief of Police and if you have to have a friend I guess the top cop isn’t too shabby a friend. Now the four of them regularly lunch together and, as is his want, the chief wears his uniform. This has prompted Grabbit to wind up the Chief by telling the server that they are undercover cops and asking if the restaurant offers a “law enforcement” discount. By all accounts the Chief is a thoroughly decent chap and is hugely embarrassed by the shenanigans of this quasi-Irish trickster. Despite most eateries proffering various discounts the Chief always declines and pays his way.

Last week Grabbit comes in to buy his usual wakeup fix and tells the story of the Chief and the discount. He then tells me that the four of them will be dining with us and that I am to offer the Chief the “discount”. OK, well the thought of upsetting the Chief of Police filled me with an urge to defecate but, whatever, I had Grabbit to cover my back. So the appointed day arrives and in walks Sue, Runne and the Chief (who looked resplendent in his immaculate uniform). “Where is Grabbit” I innocently ask. “Oh he is out on a case” replied Sue. Great here we go again, one more piece of proof that the Irish hate the English, I am so set up. Oh well, in for a penny……. “Good afternoon Chief, will you be requiring the law enforcement discount. Well I have to admit I could have done with a camera, three chins hit the table and we all just froze in a still life of embarrassment. Judging by the looks on Sue and Runne’s faces, Grabbit had not let them in on our jolly jape. After some 10 seconds I could see the Chief’s right hand twitching and sensing a nightstick enema I blurted out “Grabbit made me say that”. Well cutting a long story short, hilarity ensued and we got along just fine, until the Chief said that he wanted to pay the same rate as the other guys. I told him that he didn’t as they were attorneys and I always added 10% to their bill. Now I needed the camera for a second still life.

This is the joy of Smalltown life. I know attorneys, judges and now the Chief of Police. Perhaps I can risk moving my nocturnal activities as the Smalltown flasher, to daylight hours. Certainly I should be able to reach a wider audience and if I can get the weekend jail time deal, that would be a real bonus. Sorry boss, no yard work this weekend I have to wash the Sheriff’s car.

As this isn’t a particularly amusing blog, here is a true story. Sue and Grabbit go on a cruise together. In a vicious storm their ship is sunk and they find themselves washed up on a desert island. After weeks of deprivation one morning they discover a beautiful woman washed up on the shore, She is naked, unconscious but breathing. Grabbit looks at Sue and looks at the woman and says, “Shall we, emm, err well you know, err, screw her”. Sue looks at the woman then at Grabbit and in disgust, replies “Out of what”