Coffee and Saints

For no particular reason (other than the fact that I could) I started to look up the patron saints. This has been a surprisingly interesting piece of research for two reasons. The first is that I discovered that there is a patron saint for anything you could possibly imagine. The second reason is that I am now able to throw myself on the mercy of St Clare of Assisi. St Clare is the patron saint of, wait for it………… , telephones. So dear St Clare clearly read my last blog regarding the local telephone company and got her revenge by unplugging our cordless phone system. We didn’t notice until late afternoon when one of our regular teatime ladies came in and told us that she and her friends thought that we were closed as they had been calling since 9:30. She and 5 of her friends had arranged to meet in the Chew and Spew (insert name of vastly inferior coffee house in town). Fortunately she managed to round them up and we all had a jolly time as I regaled them with my vast knowledge of teas. The really sad part of the deal is that we normally take at least 10 call in lunch orders and all of those went south. Thank you Clare thank you so very much. Do that again and I swear to God I will be calling St Fiacre.

This has put me in somewhat of a tetchy mood (no change there) so, following the success of the Coffee House Rules I have made up a few more for life in general. I should at this stage mention that rules do not apply to pharmaceutical company representatives. You are always welcome to order 18 bagels, assorted muffins and pots and pots of coffee. Yes the corporate visa will do nicely. For the rest of you please note;


It is no longer allowed for Walmart to be roasting chickens at 8:00 Sunday morning before I have had my breakfast.

It is strictly forbidden to screen advertisements that feature the words “feminine itch and feminine odor” whilst I am eating breakfast. For the purposes of clarity advertisers should consider me to be eating breakfast from one minute past midnight until approximately midnight.

It is now illegal to be Paris Hilton.

It is strictly forbidden to make inverted comma signs in the air with your fingers to emphasize a point.

You may no longer be stupid and slow, choose one not both.

Homeowner’s regulations must be written in plain English. If homeowners wanted to be lawyers they would have tiny testicles.

When I hold a store door open for you as I egress, I expect you to take the door and say thank you. If you walk through without acknowledging my presence, I reserve the right to bury a meat cleaver in the back of your head.

People caught complaining about life in the United States will be forced to live in a third world country. As a mark of my tolerance they will be allowed to choose one, from the many, in the European Community.

It is strictly forbidden to wait in line for a coffee then when at the head of the line say “Hmm now let me see, what do I want?”

Gas is not expensive, get over it. If a $3 gallon has wrecked your life then you need to re-evaluate your financial competence.

When your lattes and mochas have been made, your pastries bagged and sweeteners and stirrers provided, immediately hand over the correct money or proffer a credit card. Do not act surprised that you are expected to pay and then start to look for your missing purse.

Similarly re-organize your pocket book at home. Do not do this when I hand you your change.

Thank you and have a nice day
TCB