Coffee and Fruit of the Loin II

Coffee and the Hill Folk

So a couple of hill folk wander in yesterday afternoon. They were fairly smartly dressed and I was bored so I thought I would entertain them with my stories and general wit. After a while we got to a show and tell of our tattoos and I have to say that I am in awe of these ladies who unashamedly display their little nooks and crannies. Well the afternoon drew to a close and she told me that she had often passed by the Coffee House but never before come in. She said that she thought it was an uppity place for lawyers and the like but now she had met me she realized that wasn't the case.

Color me speechless.

Coffee and the brown trout

Today we have a sad anniversary here in Southern Virginia. Of course it has brought out all the nutcases and one even had the temerity to leave their pamphlet in my slice of coffee heaven. Inside this glossy toilet roll I am told that school shooting are caused by people who believe in evolution as they have no regard for life. Well so far so good but then we get serious and it seems that anyone who looks at a pretty woman is a fornicator and anyone who has had sex outside of marriage is going straight to hell. Well Kissbotty it looks like we are all doomed. I tell you I am so tempted to start the Coffee Bitches Church of Satanology. I could leave leaflets telling people that they will not go to hell if they don't fornicate (preferably with me). Now I think about it, every single church is about send me your money and every single cult is about having sex with your leader. I could be onto something here.

On a different tack, the Dean of Students at Collegetown has closed every single student kitchen. There has been a spate of students urinating in the ovens and then turning them on to high. Then they started to load them up with text books and turning them on, oblivious to what happens to paper at 475 degrees. The latest prank (and what has caused the Dean to close the kitchens) is that someone has developed a penchant for cooking faeces, isn't that nice? So Fruit of the Loins Two who is a grown up grad student cannot cook her dinner because someone has been crimping off a length and microwaving brown trouts.

I mention this only because in the wake of the Virginia Tech massacre some "experts" believe that students should be armed on campus. Would you really want a Glock 27 in the hands of someone who gets their goodies from roasting dumps?

Coffee and the Drag Queens

Lawdy, lawdy, lawdy I am back from therapy after having judged the "womanless" beauty pageant. What a nightmare! My fellow judges were some local businesswoman and a weather forecaster whose main claim to fame was being fired for posting pictures of his wiener on Myspace. Actually on reflection I think that a "friend" did it for him and in consequence I was not sure which side of the street he was driving on. Fortunately I had the woman as a bufferzone but I can tell you I was pretty clenched all night.

I can also tell you that Kissbotty's finest transvestites are a pretty ugly bunch and during the course of the evening one of them had the audacity to kiss me. That sort of nonsense hasn't happened to me since the 7th grade at St Edwards Church of England School when I foolishly followed a trail of M&Ms into the boiler room and was ravished by Mr. Toerag the janitor. On a slightly happier note, unlike Mr Toerag, Miss Mona Lott didn't use her tongue and for that small mercy I shall be forever grateful.

Now if you will excuse me I am off to Kissbotty High School to score me some naughty schoolgirl porn and try to restore some heterosexuality here.

TCB.

Coffee and the Bog

As I have mused in the past, there seems to be a certain genre of woman who really should not be allowed to breed. Heavens knows why they do because clearly they are not enjoying the experience (although perhaps they overly enjoy the conception part). Anyway it strikes me that they spend the next 18 years pretty much ignoring their little snot gobblers which causes the nasty little sprog to clamor for attention and become even more obnoxious which causes Mommy to ignore it even more and the circle is complete.

Today such a Mother graced me with her presence. She looked like a smartly dressed businesswoman who had unexpectedly and unwillingly had to pick up the brat. She ordered a sandwich for herself and a high sugar content dessert for the fruit of her loins. The kid ran its grubby little paws across my windows (which had only just been cleaned last year) and constantly pestered the Mom who was studiously ignoring it. Eventually I heard her say that she would be right back and the kid whine on about not wanting to be alone. After a short interchange where she folded faster than Superman on laundry day she dragged the kid off to our luxury restroom facilities. A few minutes later they both emerge and walk up to the register to pay. Before I could ring them up the kid announced in a loud voice. “My Mommy did a smelly poo in there”. Well I know that the kid finally got her attention because she actually groaned in embarrassment. There were of course a thousand things that I could have said to ease her pain but you know I just made eye contact and reveled in the moment.

Sometimes I actually do like children, I really do.

TCB.

Coffee and Court

Once again from the "you could not make this stuff up" department we have another true tale from the Coffee House.

Judge Mental was in yesterday for his lunch which was unusual as he doesn't normally do a Friday. I suspected that he had read the blog and was angling for his free lunch. Well I can tell you that he angled in vane because as we say in the corporate world, he has missed his window of opportunity for a blue horizon gratis gastronome experience (Damn, I wish I knew what that meant). Still I was nevertheless bowing and scraping and treating him with the reverence that his omnipotent powers demand.

After he left the lady at the next table (who had clearly been eavesdropping on my ingratiation) asked if the was Judge Mental. She then went on to explain that she was supposed to be in front of him that morning but had sat in the wrong court. Now the Circuit Court was not sitting on Friday so she clearly spent all morning in the Juvenile Court. She missed the fact that Judge Mental is a man, Judge Jenny Taylia (Juvenile Court) is clearly a woman (and what a woman) and she saw a parade of children being sentenced to deportation to Smallscrote County, or whatever they do.

She had traveled from South Carolina and the other party had flown in from Seattle and she had blown it. Now she is asking me if I think that Judge Mental will reschedule. Well I discovered many years ago that unhappy customers seldom tip very well so I told her that he certainly would and not to worry as this happens all the time. The truth, of course, is somewhat different and I still recall with schadenfreude the day that (Simple) Simon Hemmer (Hemmer, Royd and Piles LLP) spent a morning in my arms and tears when Judge Mental found for the defendant because he was 5 minutes late for court.

I hope that she learnt a lesson here as she decided not to have her attorney in court because he had already ripped her for a grand for some trivial paperwork. Of course had she used the legal beagle then she might have ended up in the right court and perhaps even won her case.

I tell you, bloody lawyers, You can't live with them and you can't live without them. The bastards.

Coffee and Porn

You will recall from an earlier blog that Kissbotty County has but one High School, excitingly it is in the news again and every word of this is true, as you really could not make this stuff up.
It transpires that there is a young lady student at the high school who is somewhat proud of her marital skills. So proud is she, that she decided to record herself performing what is euphemistically known as a sex act on a fellow student. Then for reasons apparent only to herself she sent a few copies to friends and as you can imagine this viral video spread like wildfire. (Aren’t cell phones wonderful? I tell you when I was a lad all we had were crudely drawn cartoons and I am sure that most of them were drawn by the Gym coach in order to make us feel inadequate in the genitalia department).

Of course it was not long before a copy fell into the hands of someone in authority and then all hell broke loose. The police were called in and they confiscated every single cell in the school. Not that I am any sort of child psychologist but if I were, I might take the young lady aside and explain that when you make a home made sex tape you set yourself up with a legacy that will absolutely come back to bite you when you try to enter Congress or take up some position of authority in later life. (Actually that is a lie, if I ever did find this young lady I would marry her, still I digress). The boys in blue took a different approach and arrested everyone who had a copy of the video on child pornography charges. It seems to me to be a little over the top to place half of Kissbotty’s High School students on the sex offenders register and ruin their little lives even before they become adults. There is plenty of time to grind their hopes and aspirations into the doormat of the welfare line after they have grown up.

So Bertie Grabbitt (Sue, Grabbitt and Runne LLP) and I were discussing this when I happened to mention that if he (the great defender that he is) were to take on Miss Teen BJ 2008 as a client he could get hold of the evidence and pass me a copy. Puffing himself up to his full judicial majesty he told me that if he did that then we would both be hauled up on child porn charges. No Bertie, I replied you misunderstand for you would just be calling on the services of an expert witness for I assure you when it comes to porn I am a Viking.

The Coffee Bitch

P.S. Dear Miss Teen BJ 2008 if you would like a free coffee you know who to call.

Coffee and the traffic stop

Well it looks like the local boys read this blog as they took me up on the offer I made in Coffee and Speed (part I). The Boss is hugely pissed about this. It was not so much the road side cavity search that upset her (frankly I think that she was up for it).

No what set her off was when one of the cops radioed back to base to say that they would need a bigger flashlight.

I tell you people sometimes I laugh so much I think that my pants will never dry.

Coffee and the Radio

This is a post that should have gone up two days ago, my bad.

As you know I am not a great fan of Kissbotty Radio (home to all the hits). Amongst their crimes are the love affair that they seemingly have with Kelly Clarkson and Cassie Underpants as well as being Virginia's official Christmas station. Apparently this means that you have a mandate to play only Christmas songs starting at Memorial Day and quite frankly by the time Christmas rolls around I want to put a bullet in my head.

Well two days ago they announce that their market research had discovered that their rating would go through the roof if they played Christmas every day! For two hours they gave us Bing and Carpenters and brought back so many unhappy memories. Eventually they 'fessed up to this all being and April 1 jolly wheeze. (Not that I didn't see that coming in the first 20 seconds).

The tragedy of all of this was that hundreds of Kissbotians called in to say what a great idea 24/7/365 Christmas music was.

Kissbotty I weep for you.

Coffee and the Judge

Judge Mental was in for lunch today. When he came up to pay I related the tale in Coffee and Speed (part I) and concluded by saying "So some nice kind Judge dismissed the charges". He looked at me, smiled, winked and said " Well it could not have been me, I am not a nice kind Judge".

So I didn't comp his lunch and that I think is a win win situation.

Coffee and Speed (partII)

Some very strange people came into the Coffee House yesterday. They dressed like they were twenty but looked like they were fifty. The ordered coffee and breakfast sandwiches but one asked if he could have the bacon soft as he had no teeth. There was something strangely fascinating about these people and I assumed that perhaps they were hill folk who had come into town for some annual pilgrimage to stock up on grits and welfare checks. I have to confess that I was kind of please to see them wander off but less that pleased to discover that not only had they purloined all the sugar from the table but also the sugar from the surrounding tables. I mentioned this to the Boss and the first thing she said was "damned meth heads". According to the Boss an addiction to sugar and no teeth are the classic signs.

All of this leaves me doubly confused. First off, if this is the result of taking meth why would you even take it let alone pay for it. Secondly how does the Boss know so much about this stuff? Tonight, after she falls asleep, I will take a pair of pliers and wiggle a few of her little pegs to see what happens.

Coffee and Speed (part1)

So FOTL1, FOTL2 and Slugger all come home for the weekend, and what a weekend of barbecue, beer, shooting and general mayhem it was.

On Friday Slugger decides to visit his Alma Mater and leaves FOTL1 to her own devices (which is never a good idea). About 11:00 FOTL1 is bored so she calls me to ask where the spare truck keys are (notice that she doesn't ask if she can borrow the truck). About an hour later I am pacing the floor asking where my truck could be when FOTL1 arrives looking shaky and carrying a big yellow sheet of paper. It turns out that she was pulled by a State trooper for doing 80 in a 55. The cop informs her that she has transcended mere speeding and is now comfortably in the reckless zone. FOTL1 asks if being engaged to one of Maryland's finest might help her out. Astonishingly the cop acquiesces and agrees to write her up at 74 and thus bring her back to the realm of speeding. Then he asks to see the registration which I keep in the center console that FOTL1 does not know exists. Now, and this is where the story gets really strange, the cop decides to write her up for failure to produce registration, but not speeding! Well the FOTL1 takes the penalty notice and the registration to the Kissbotty court which as you know is next door to the Coffee House and offers to plead guilty now as she will be back in Maryland next week and can't make the court date. The clerk takes the papers before Judge Mental who dismisses the charges.
From reckless driving to nothing in less than 60 minutes, only FOTL1 could pull that off.

However there are some points that still concern me. The first is, what did that little Jezebel think she was doing driving my beloved truck at 80 miles and hour? Secondly, I don't think that she actually learned anything from this. So if you are a cop and you see the most manly truck in Kissbotty, feel free to pull it over and give the driver a full roadside cavity search. This offer does not apply if you find a hairy arsed Englishman driving.

TCB

PS Slugger tells me that he will always reduce a reckless to speeding unless the driver gives him earache. The lesson here, kiddies, is to always respect your cop.