Coffee and Church

Last Friday I broke the habit of a lifetime and went to church. Well it wasn’t really church but rather a church supper type thingy, still it was a close call. I thought that Kissbotty County was the buckle on the bible belt but as we headed south into Flatus County I realized that I was wrong, for here are churches every 100 yards or so. I didn’t know that there were so many flavors of religion, Presbyterian, Apostolic, Lutheran, Baptist, Gospel, the list is seemingly endless and it is all very confusing. As far as I am concerned there are two religions, the Christians and the Muslims. The Christians comprise of two tribes, the Protestants and the Catholics. The tribes hate each other and from time immemorial they have tried to kill each other. The Muslims comprise of two tribes, the Sunnis and the Shiites. The two tribes hate each other and from time immemorial they have tried to kill each other. In addition the Christians hate the Muslims and try to kill them. In a complete lack of contrast the Muslims hate the Christians and try to kill them. There is probably a lesson here but I just can’t see it.

So I met a nice crowd of people including one old lady who had just had a cedar demolish her home in the recent storm. She was of the opinion that the good Lord would provide and I guess I spoiled her evening by speculating that this may be the same good Lord who had just destroyed her home. As you can imagine the evening went downhill after that, mainly because the Boss kept glaring daggers at me and drawing her finger across her throat. Honestly some people just can’t take a joke. On the brighter side, these Baptists know how to eat, did I ever chow down. I suppose that it would be uncharitable and curmudgeonly of me to criticize the band, so I will. Every song had lyrics along the lines of “every day brings me closer to you dear Lord” and at the end of every song people would shout out “Praise Jesus”. It was like these people actually want to die. It is no wonder that people say the Devil has all the best music. For the record I want to live forever. Well perhaps that is a slight exaggeration. I want to die at 97 having just introduced a Dallas cheerleader to her first multiple orgasm and the last words I hear on earth will be “Oh CB you have ruined me for all other men”.

Much later that evening back at Chateau Coffee I had this uneasy feeling that something was wrong, I just couldn’t put my finger on it until I realized with shock that it was Friday night and I was sober, what a nightmare. Saturday mornings aren’t the same without the usual conversation.

CB ; “Oh my head, Jesus what happened”?
Boss; “ Why do you do it”?
CB; (very much under breath) “Just trying to drink you pretty my love”
Boss; Well I have no sympathy, you really are a pig”
CB; “Please stop talking, where are the aspirins”?

The great thing is that when I wake up I know that I am going to feel better and that is more than the Baptists can say, haha.

Praise Jesus

TCB