Coffee and Pies (part III)

After posting Coffee and Pies I have been informed that I dodged a bullet with this judging business. It transpires that the ladies of Kissbotty County who do bother to enter their pies take this thing way too seriously and apparently hell hath no fury like a woman whose pies have been scorned.

After last year’s fair the pie judge was found dead under strange circumstances with a plastic bag over his head and a third place rosette inserted into his rectum. Apropos nothing at all, all of the Kissbotty deputies are women, I don’t know what this says about the Sheriff’s proclivities but I can tell you they were pretty damn quick to close the case and according to the crime report it was an autoerotic misadventure. Now the plastic bag I can understand, after all who amongst us hasn’t felt the urge to slip a Ziplock over our head and pick up a copy of Cheeks Apart Plus (volume 27), I know that I have. Still I can’t help feeling that the ladies in brown were overly keen to hush things up and perhaps that rosette was a bit of a clue.

Anyhow as a result of last year’ spot of unpleasantness it seems like the ladies are keeping a low profile this year and this is the reason why I only had one pie to judge. So I did not get to scorn anyone’s pies and for this small mercy my colon and I will be eternally grateful.

From now on I shall restrict myself to judging the Boss’s cottage pie, which incidentally has nothing at all to do with this fine old British Tradition.

Yours in mastication,

TCB

Coffee and Pies

I don’t know why but we don’t have a county fair here in Kissbotty, it’s a shame but there you go. We do, however, have a fair and what a jolly good one it is too. In fact I have been to County Fairs that aren’t a patch on whatever we have instead of a County Fair. I spoke to Kissbotty’s tourism officers and they have promised me that next year we will have a County Fair, their excuse is that this year they were concentrating on the fishing thingy instead. I suppose from a revenue point of view the fishing thing makes more sense but you know my views on fishing. (Unless you are dressed in waders and casting flies, which does require a modicum of skill).

A few weeks ago the Boss and I were invited to be judges, I got pies and the Boss got cakes. I can’t tell you how thrilled I was, as to be honest, eating pies is where I am a Viking. Almost everywhere else in the world the word pie is prefixed with a silent but understood meat. Steak and Ale, home made Pork Pie and thrill of thrills a Steak and Kidney Pudding is like a thousand angels copulating in your mouth. So last Saturday the boss and I arrived, clipboards and silver sampling forks in hand and discovered that here in Kissbotty the word pie does not involve the meat word. To heap disappointment upon disappointment there was only one entry. Imagine that in the whole of Kissbotty County there is only one woman who can make a pie. In a fit of pique I awarded her a desultory blue ribbon and stomped off to have a look at the barbeque smokers. I really don’t know what is up with Kissbotty but there were only two barbeque entries (and between you and me, one of them was using propane, how inappropriate is that)? My next project is to build a smoker so I figure with a field of three entrants I should be in with a good chance, especially if someone were to accidentally tip a bucket of urine down the smoke stacks of the competition.

So if you want to unmask the Coffee Bitch (aka the Smalltown phantom flasher) I will be at the 2008 Kissbotty County Fair in the barbeque section standing next to an empty bucket.